healing takes work

It takes being conscious 

and not stuffing down feelings and emotions

feeling emotions is hard

but its better than the alternative, which is refusing to feel

and that I cant do

I want to be human

I want to feel, and not suppress

I think if I suppress, that could lead to disease

I don't have to do what he did

I don't have to go that route

I can be more conscious

and make choices

and not just be led by impulse

Today I learned about the 6 realms of Buddhism

it sounds like he was in the animal realm, not really understanding that actions have consequences

he was limited

and I needed more

I want to try to talk to him

Dad, 

I was so hurt

I needed more

I wish you could see that

I wish you could recognize it

I wish you could empathize with me

and I wish you could apologize

even if you didn't intentionally hurt me

because that's not the point

people usually don't hurt each other on purpose

but it happens even if we don't mean it to

and then we still have to apologize and try to make things right

and hug our loved ones and tell them things are ok

you didn't do this for me

when I expressed myself

you pushed me away

and it hurt me very deeply

I don't know why you treated me like this

I suppose you wanted more or something different from me

but I was just a child

I was an innocent child

and you were the parent

there is a power dynamic there

we were not equals

When I listened to that podcast about how to forgive, it said one of the reasons people do hurtful things is because they're desperate for love. That really resonated with me... maybe the reason you disowned me at the pizza place was because you were so desperate for love, that when I defied you, it hurt you too much. This is very bad parenting, but you didn't know better... ignorance was another reason people are hurtful. Weakness. 

You had a bad upbringing by Grandma and Grandpa... there was a lot that was hurtful for you, right? I think a lot of that was unresolved. So it played out in your treatment of me. It was a kind of abuse, but a different kind... I don't even know what to call it. Your inner pain was transferred onto me. 

And it was so frightening and terrible, you just had to stuff it down and act like it never happened. Just wanted things to be fine and easy between us. Eventually I realized that was the only way you were going to have a relationship with me.. that's what you needed. So I did that. I did it because I loved you and I knew that's what you needed. 

But I needed something different, and I never got my needs fulfilled. 

I'm disappointed in myself for not advocating more for my needs. I wish I had asked you to go to family therapy... I just wish I has asked. You would have probably said no, but I had a duty to myself to just ask. 

But I had given up on you. I gave up when I was in my mid-20s after I wrote you that letter asking for an apology, and you refused. I realized I cant get what I need from you, so I have to look elsewhere. 

Today I know that what I need, I can find it internally. 

So what does justice look like? 

I suppose it looks like me finding what I need, and being fulfilled. Thats all I ever wanted anyways... but in this life, I had to find it for myself, and not be given it. Maybe that is the point. 

Like, play this game... ok its too easy. Do it with one hand tied behind your back. 

woof. 

I'm doing it despite the limitations. There is beauty in that, and there is meaning.