learning the hard way

 Up late thinking about stuff

sometimes I feel bad for my thoughts, like I shouldnt be having them… like its wrong for me to criticize him like this

but I have to accept how I feel and what my thoughts are

that is how I can be true to myself

I was taught to doubt myself

perhaps that is a clue into the way he was treated by his parents

and he didnt know any better

was so steeped in it, he couldnt see any way out

didnt even know he was stuck

I saw so much about him

literally since I was born

I saw him

an innocent childs perspective

and children are so smart and perceptive 

i saw him

I loved him

and I felt his love

until he withdrew

and thats what his dad did

withdrew

so he did it to me

did he think about that? did he realize what he was doing? did he know he was repeating patterns? 

did he want to be better?

is that why they forced visitation?

whats better—

being abandoned by your father

or having a father that splits your life in two? 

he didnt care how it made me feel

he just had to protect and defend his new life, new wife,  new family

I am old news

I am a piece of that woman he cant stand

my anger was like hers and he couldnt escape it 

so he shut me down

shut me up

sidelined me

ignored me

gaslit me

neglected me

emotionally abused me. 

he was a broken person

and at the end this manifested on a physical level

I saw him

he couldnt integrate

he had to separate his own life

his own self

and destroy part of himself

he never had a great relationship with me

and that is tragic

cause I am great

he coulda had a bad bitch

but he sacrificed our relationship

he never repaired

even when I asked for it

he shunned me

and I gave up 

I saw him

I had to give up

I tried for too long

I couldnt try anymore

it just hurt to be rejected

so I moved on

I chose to move on

I had to

for my own survival

part of me is so superstitious

what if our relationship broke him

but it wasnt just me

it was grandma and grandpa

it is generational trauma! 

and I couldnt save him

and I wish i could have

I wish we could have repaired

I did try more at the end— I demanded more respect

wow I forgot about that and just remembered

I started to have boundaries with him

he was so rude and terrible to me

I put my foot down

he was abused by his parents

he just transferred that abuse

shame on them! 

how did this abuse originate

its like cancer

I need to stay connected

dont cut off

stay close to people

keep reaching out

dont isolate

he isolated

she wanted that

she is so sick

he didnt understand

but now he is free

I feel sorry he had so much pain

I wish I could have helped

I tried

Margo you tried

I imagined him saying that and started to cry

I wish you listened to me

I believe in myself

I wish you gave me the chance 

we really missed out 

imagine what kind of relationship we could have had

my whole life would have been different

but I had to learn on my own

I had to learn self respect, self love, boundaries

and thats what this lifetime is about

me teaching myself

and I am grateful for that

I learned the hard way

was it worth it? 

hard to say 

but thats what I’ve been given

and I’m working with it