Processing

 It's been two months since dad passed away. July 8th, 2021. 71 years old. 

Grief is a very deep and intense process. I've been thinking to start this blog to have a place for my thoughts to go. And who knows, maybe it could help someone along the way. 

Before dad died, I wrote about 16 typed pages expressing all the things I wished I could say to him, but never could. I want to copy that here. 

The night he died, just before I received the call, I wrote about 14 pages... I was up all night just writing and getting it all out. I knew I needed to. Then she called around 6am to tell me, and I even documented that as she called. So I will copy-paste the whole thing below... I don't know who will read this, but I just feel like I want it out there. 

Dear Dad, 

I’d like to share some of my thoughts with you…

First of all, I don’t like when doctors give timelines of how long people have to live… that’s just pretty depressing isn't it? 

(I just remembered that movie “Joe Versus the Volcano!” I want to watch it again… but I digress…)

I know the cancer is spreading, and we don’t know how much time we have. 

You have put up a very valiant fight… I admire how optimistic you’ve always been about the cancer-- you always felt you’d pull through. You fought that battle and pulled through a number of times. 

I still feel your optimism even now.  

All of us come to an end, this is how life works, how nature works. I’m not afraid of death-- it's not death that scares me. I think there is a lot more that happens in life that is more frightening than dying itself. 

I would like for you to have less pain. I wish that you’d turn to cannabis for pain relief. A lot of people use this to treat cancer pain. This is an option. In my mind, the miracle would be if you use this to improve your end of life quality… if cancer has to take you, it could at least be easier than what you’re experiencing now. As your daughter, this is my hope for you. 

Of course it matters when we die… but I think it matters more how we lived. 

While you’re still alive, I’m here to do what I can to support you. 

I would like to come back again soon. I would like to come help you with your office if you would like my help with that. I would like to honor your wishes as best I can.  

When the time finally comes… I would like to know your wishes in terms of how you’d like to be commemorated… cremated? Memorial? What do you want to happen with your ashes-- do you want them spread somewhere special? 

I don’t know how many more visits we’ll get to have. But, if it were the last time I saw you… I would want to say this… 

Old man take a look at my life, I’m alot like you…

I got a lot from you, Dad. 

Some of it is genetic, and certainly some was observed and learned. 

I inherited your creativity… your artistic skill

Your handwriting 

Your attention to detail 

We are spacey, but we can focus when we want to

We are thorough 

We are intelligent and academic

We like to read

We are political 

We are progressive 

We don't listen to or pay attention to others super well

We space out when they talk

We don't hear things people say cause we’re too busy thinking about something else! We dont mean to but it just happens 

We are goofy and like to joke around

We like making people laugh 

We are conversational 

We are good cooks

I learned how to cook scrambled eggs from you

I have your body type

Sort of thin but easy to gain weight if we don't try to stay fit

Funny knees 

We are optimistic

We are light hearted

We are hopeful 

And we are sensitive

We also hold grudges

We hold pain and hurt inside 

We hang onto things for too long 

We have a hard time letting go, even though we want to 

We have a lot of love to give, and want a lot of love in return

We want respect

We like praise

We want people to recognize our talents and success and good qualities

We have good taste in music! 

Good taste in general -- classy

We like to travel and experience other cultures

I am so grateful for everything you've given me

And you've also given me a lot of challenges

And a lot of struggles

There are some things we don't have in common, and that's ok

Of course we’re different

I know you love me

I always needed a type of love that I didn't quite receive

But that is ok

I forgive you for it 

I am an adult now and I make my own choices, I am free to choose my own path 

We are human 

I have compassion for you

Your family life was difficult

It was hard when Grandpa left

It must be harder than I could imagine

Life isn't easy

We’re just trying to do our best

While dealing with our own limitations

I have missed you for a long time, dad

And I will miss you when you pass away 

But you're never gone

You will never go away 

My view on death is that it is just another step on our soul journey

Your soul carries on into another form

Yes it is sad to leave this life and everything you have built

But we all must go someday

So we have to come to terms with that, and accept it, and find peace. 

Alot of people love you, Dad

Youre charming and have so many admirable qualities 

You are loved by so many

And what is true success, if not being loved? 

I would like to have a family heirloom that has a story 

Something to give to my children

Your grandchildren

Anything you would like to pass down the generations 

I would like to have children

And they will hear stories of you 

I will read them Horton Hears a Who

I think you taught me that my voice matters, Dad

I haven't always used it

I’m trying to more

I’m trying to now 

No matter what, you'll always be my dad 

And I love you 

Its ok to let go, and go with God-- you will be safe 

Say hi to Grandma and the whole family 

And I’ll see you on the other side  

 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

July 8th

You may be gone soon

And then you will be gone forever

I’ll never get to speak directly to you again

We lost the chance to connect

I dont feel like you knew me

I dont feel known by you

I also think this isnt unique, 

This is the situation with many fathers

Children dont feel close

Our situation is a bit extreme

Though Grandpa’s situation was even more extreme

Or was it? 

Dad

You chose Kathy over us 

You could have had it all

I dont remember why I was planning to stop talking to you when I was first in Germany, that was around 2009… then Kathy called me and said “Your father has cancer and he could die.” This was the way she presented the news. That was colon cancer… yes you could have died, but you survived. I came to visit before grad school, after your surgery. You asked what school I’m going to, and I told you… and you got up slowly from the couch you were laying on, and turned ont he computer to look at the website. I remember that this was very moving for me. I felt like you wanted to be paternal, you were caring… this was an unusual feeling for me. I started to cry. I was really happy that you cared about me and what was going on in my life. I felt like you wanted to be a better father. 

I remember another time, I visited you and we went to a bar on Bardstown road. I suppose this must have been before the colon cancer, or was it after? I can’t remember. You opened up to me and you said you have regrets about the way you treated mom and some of the things you said to her. I remember you started tearing up. You made yourself vulnerable to me. We didnt get deep into the conversation because we had to head back to your house… I wish I knew more about how you felt. 

Kathy did and said alot of things that were hurtful to me. I suppose she didnt mean to be hurtful, but she was… at every turn, it was always something… always some statement that made me feel bad, something rude, something mean. 

One that stands out was when I went to see you for Christmas one year, I went alone cause for some reason Ari couldnt go, and Bo was still estranged. It was Christmas Eve day, I’m pretty sure… this must have just been several years ago, and it was the last time I went to your house alone, the last time I made myself vulnerable. I was talking about my goals and I said that I’m interested in birth work and doula training. And Kathy said “I dont think youd make a good doula.” I must have asked why, and she said that I am too emotional, and pregnant women need emotional support that she felt I wouldnt be able to provide. I said thanks for letting me know her opinion. But I was crushed. I went to the airbnb and cried… I was messaging with Heather who was there for me, and she said that Kathy always tried to squash her dreams. I felt that Heather was like a Christmas angel in that moment, cause I needed her to help me feel better. I could never tell Kathy how much that hurt me. And I never told Dad. I held it in. 

Why couldnt I tell them about how I felt? I have tried to make myself vulnerable before and it didnt matter… primarily to Dad… in retrospect I should have told her how she made me feel… I guess I felt too vulnerable, and I didnt want to repair things… 

In a previous year, I was there alone and we were all drinking. I was getting cat allergies. Kathy gave me medicine and we kept drinking. In the morning when I woke up, she was hovering over my face and said “I just wanted to make sure you were still breathing.” This creeped me out-- she was checking if I was dead! That was the last time I ever stayed over at the house… mostly because of my cat allergies, but also because I would never make myself vulnerable to her again after that. 

The hurt is deep. I remember trying to talk to her in the kitchen as a child… sometimes she just ignored me. It was only me and her… I tried to talk to her… she just ignored me and didnt acknowledge me at all. Theres no way she couldnt have heard what I said. Or if she didnt, she wasnt attentive to me when I needed it. I hated when she did that. 

And why couldnt I say “Hey Kathy, sometimes you ignore me, and that hurts my feelings!” 

Why did I hold in so much as a child? 

There were times when she talked badly about mom to us. TImes when she tried to turn us against mom. 

I hated going to that house. I never truly wanted to be there. It felt like a fake dollhouse. It wasnt my real life. It was uncomfortable. Too controlled. Not my home. 

Perhaps the worst thing about Kathy growing up was that she was in charge of decisions about whether or not we could do something else on the weekends when Dad had visitation. As I grew up, I wanted to go to more social things like sleepovers or parties… I also wanted to play soccer on Saturdays, I wanted to join AYSO. I wasnt allowed to do that. Dad never made decisions about things like this-- I’d ask him on the phone, and he’d say that he needs to talk to Kathy about it. And then he would say yes or no, or she would… I know that I was denied enough times to make me angry inside. They made me come out there when I wanted to do other things. They didnt care about what I really wanted or needed… it was about what they needed, which was to control my visitation. They felt they were doing the right thing by making me go there to be with dad. But we didnt even get quality time with Dad anyways. He was often watching TV or doing other things and didnt really spend quality time with us. I never felt like we were really connecting. I suppose I did enjoy the games. But that was about it. I needed more connection than this, especially considering I was being deprived of other social things that I wanted to do… this happened enough times to make me furious inside. I had so much rage built up. And I just held it in. I didnt feel like I could express myself. 

Actually, there was one time that I tried to… and Dad dismissed me, he didnt care, I remember he didnt help me feel better. He never did. I was shot down. So why would I try again? 

I hated that house There was one time when I was laying in bed and I was so angry, I must have been about 12-13 years old. I said to myself, when I am an adult, I will stop talking to them. I will hate them and they will know it. When I am an adult, they will listen to me. They will care about what I think and how I feel then… and I will hate them, and they will know it. I made a promise to myself then… I remember it clearly. No child should be feeling this way about their father and stepfather… it shouldnt get to that point. Why didnt they show me that they cared about my feelings? 

I must have been shot down and silenced or ignored so many times, that I couldnt open up anymore. 

The time in 8th grade when I didnt want to go to Dads and ran to Aaron’s house instead. Dad somehow found out that I was there, and he went inside the house and picked me up, and put me in his car. I dont remember the rest of that car ride or how things went that weekend. But I was defeated. That was terrible of him to treat me like property, and not like a child with feelings and thoughts. My feelings and thoughts were disregarded. Dad could have at least talked to me about how I felt. He didnt. He didnt care to. He didnt want to know me. 

I”m still supposed to be talking to you, I forgot… you didnt want to know me. You didnt ask me about my thoughts and feelings. You didnt empathize. It happened so many times and it added up over the years. 

You outsourced your decisions about us to Kathy. You gave her all the authority to make decisions. Sometimes she denied me the ability to do something I really wanted to do, and it hurt me. Looking back, you both didnt do the right thing. You didnt talk to me to ask how I really felt. You didn't take my thoughts and feelings into consideration. Children need to be heard and understood. I was a good child. I deserved better. 

It would be one thing to deprive me of social events to actually have a meaningful connection at Dads house. But that didnt happen. It was superficial and devoid of depth. It was like it was for show, just to have us there to feel like youre doing the right thing with visitation. So you can feel like youre good parents. You werent. 

I’m sad for my lost voice. I’m sad I didnt speak up more. I’m sad I didnt defend myself. Advocate for myself. Stand up for myself. Thats what would have mattered most for me. The hours spent together on the weekends were empty. Thats not what I needed. I needed quality time, connection, understanding, empathy… I needed to be heard, listened to… I needed my thoughts and feelings to be considered.  

I must have had low self esteem. I always struggled with self esteem. And when a girl struggles with that and gets to high school and college, it gets dangerous. 

I think I was always a wise and mature child. My wishes werent unreasonable. I feel that I was somewhat stunted socially because I couldnt develop like I wanted or needed to. I missed out. And what I missed wasnt made up for with quality time. Dad watched TV, I remember it clearly. He zoned out. And sure, thats what he needed on the weekends cause he worked so hard during the week. He thought just being together was enough. Pretending like we live together. But we didnt. That place never became my home and I never felt comfortable. It became dreadful to go there. 

Something happened one time, I think my first date, Sean Currie wanted to take me to see the Crow. I think it was a double date with Jen and Aaron, not sure? I should ask her. And I think Dad and Kathy said that I couldnt see the Crow, and we had to see a different movie. I remember being upset but I suppose in retrospect that was a decent choice, it was rated R. I think I was embarrassed but I suppose thats not a huge deal. Maybe it was the many things they did before that made me not trust them anymore, that they were doing things with my best interest in mind, because they never did before.  

It was little things. But they were little things that mattered. It wasnt fair to me that I had to be deprived just because of visitation. This hurt me. 

The Weekend Child Visitation Schedule: Weighing Pros and Cons

Children may dislike being away from school friends over the weekend – When children are whisked away for the weekend, they may feel like they are missing out on school-related or neighborhood-related activities.

Children may feel like one place is more like home – Even though parents get an almost equal amount of time with their kids, the children may feel like home is the place where they sleep five nights out of the week.

Keep a common calendar – Even if you always have the kids on weekends (or during the week) doesn’t mean that you have full decision-making power—your children could have an important school event or social event. Using a common calendar (there are lots of choices online) can help coordinate these events and eliminate misunderstandings.

Find out if your children have plans – If you have school-aged children, they will likely have weekend activities somewhat often, from a sleepover to a little league game to a school play. Make sure that all of these events are listed on a common family calendar.

Quality time is most important – Whether you are hanging out in your backyard or at a baseball game, the most important thing you can do is spending quality time with your kids. Talk to them. Ask them questions. Listen to what they have to say. Love them. That’s more important than any activity.

This helps me feel validated and seen. 

 

The environment at dads was not warm-- it was sterile. 

I wasnt listened to. I was dismissed. I was treated like property. 

And it hurt that Dad couldnt just make decisions. He let her make all decisions. Why couldnt he think for himself? 

Why couldnt you think for yourself, Dad? Why couldnt you make choices about what we did. Why did you let her control everything? 

Youre still letting her control everything. Why dont you make effort to make your own decisions? 

She didnt do what was best for me or for us. And she was hurtful. She ignored me. She talked badly about mom. 

And you both made out too often in the living room. That’s disgusting. What made you think that was ok for children to see? That was so inappropriate. Shame on you, that was bad parenting. 

I’m sorry but you were not a good dad. I never had the heart to tell you that. But thats how I feel. I am not proud of you as a father. I was never truly heard or seen by you. I needed more. We needed so much more from you, and we never got it. 

Sure you loved us as infants. How about after that, where was the active love? 

Yes you never ran away, never physically abused us. I do remember one spanking but that’s really it so thats not so bad, it was hurtful though, I remember at Belden. It was dark. In fact I think I was spanked regularly. And that was wrong. Maybe that was the start of me feeling like I was treated unfairly. I used to call you David, not Dad. Maybe that was why. 

I cried alot as a young child. I know because tears feel nostalgic. Crying feels like childhood. 

I believe that you did love me but I also think you didnt know how to really connect with me. You were there but also absent. Maybe you felt you were doing great just because you were there, and that was enough… because Grandpa wasnt there at all. Being there was better. But its still not enough, Dad. It wasnt enough. Am I grateful you were there? Yes. Did I feel heard and listened to? No. And that hurt my self esteem. 

I dont think you ever gave me advice. No pep talks. No fatherly connection. Perhaps you did occasionally, but it wasnt enough. I needed more. 

I lacked attention from you. That was a distinct feeling that I remember having back around college time. Which had devastating consequences. 

Back up to age 15-16… when I ran away. Was I 17? I couldnt take it anymore. I had my rollerblades that weekend and I got up at 6am. I think I climbed out the window and climbed down the house somehow… I dont remember! I rollerbladed to the blue line, or green line? I took the train home to mom’s. I left a note at your house saying that I cant do this anymore. 

A few weeks later we went to Bacino’s-- you told me that I’m not your daughter anymore. We stopped talking. 

I think you still attended my high school graduation though. Somehow we became civil again. But we never resolved it. In college I just wanted to have a superficial, civil relationship and that was it. You didnt give me any more money at that point. Mom paid tuition and took care of me. I had some college gigs but didnt have to work my way through. I shouldnt have had to. I know you wanted me to work for all my money just like you did. But your parents didnt have enough, and you did. You spent your money on vacations and things for Kathy like a horse, and I think you got her breast implants and botox, though i could be wrong. I guess those things were more important to you than helping your daughter get through college. When I’m a parent I’ll have different priorities. 

I just went to have a snack, its 4am. I feel that this is important work that I’ve always wanted to do but never did. I’m weaving together the whole story of how I was hurt. This will take time but it’s worth it. In the end I need to forgive and let go. I can let all of the hurt and anger go. I wont be able to tell you directly… but I will get it out. And I will move on and not carry this. I need to be free also. 

I didnt want you to die. I wanted you to live. I tried to say and do things to help. I was turned down. But that’s later in the story…

Back to college. I was lost. I had no boundaries. I needed male attention. I became promiscuous. A number of one night stands. Seeking male attention… I think that was cause I didn't get enough from you. And I was mad at you for it. 

I slept with someone who I thought was a friend, and it was a huge mistake, one of the worst mistakes I ever made, probably the worst. It was unprotected sex. I got an STI and I was devastated. Herpes type 1 genitally. I thought my sex life was over, and I felt even more unworthy. Ashamed and dirty. It was hell actually. It became the darkest time of my life. I was depressed. As a junior in college, I snapped and became clinically depressed. And I did a horrible thing. I took a picture of you and I stabbed out the eyes. I was so mad at you for everything… for not paying attention to me, for choosing her, for giving her all the control, for dismissing me, ignoring me, sidelining me… I was beyond angry. I was broken. 

I went to Spain to get away. Which was healing for me. You never visited. Anyways I got alot healthier and learned alot about nutrition, I was walking more, more active. When I came back I read a book called Confessions of a Kamikaze Cowboy and it changed my perspective on nutrition. More on that later. 

I didnt know what I wanted to do after college and I suppose I was vulnerable, so I ended up in the yoga cult. It was a place where I had community and structure. Perhaps the guru was like a father figure. Dada was like a father figure also. In some ways all of that was good for me, and in some ways it wasnt. I learned about yoga and meditation, which was great, but the social isolation was damaging for me. 

I went to California and Austin, and came back to live there and work-trade. I think it was then that I wrote you that letter telling you how hurt I was, and asked for your apology. You didnt write back, and you refused to apologize-- you said you did nothing wrong. And so I tried to be heard again, and was dismissed. I remember I was in a trailer and I realized that you were damaged by Grandpa leaving. It was a realization that helped me have compassion for you. It was a major turning point for me. I realized that you didnt know how to be a dad, since yours abandoned you when you were a child. I realized that you just didnt know better. And this was very liberating for me, because I was finally able to see you with more compassion and forgiveness. I also realized that if I cant get what I need from you, I can get it from other people. I relized that I need to turn to others for attention, affirmation and love. I realized that I can get what I need in life, even if I cant get it from my parent. This was such a crucial turning point for me. 

I went to Germany. You didnt visit there either. There was a point when I realized that I didnt want to talk to you anymore, I just wanted to cut off contact. And that was when Kathy told me that you had cancer and you could die. I remember it very clearly-- I had a mental breakdown because what I wanted was to not speak to you, but I felt like I had to because you were sick. I was extremely distressed over this. I remember I was in Berlin for a meditation retreat, and I had a mental breakdown. 

I wanted to live in Germany so thats why I applied to grad school, which worked out. After that was when I came to visit you and you looked up the school website, which meant the world to me, and at that point I felt like we were reconnecting. I think we went for a short walk and I felt like you wanted to be my father again. 

I dont remember the exact circumstances of how things went down, but I do remember that I wanted to stop talking again… and then you got cancer again. This happened four times. 

Colon cancer 

Sarcoma back muscle

Sarcoma bone

Sarcoma shoulder 

Each time I needed more space, I heard that the cancer was back, so I had to reestablish contact and show you that I cared, which I did. Even though I carried alot of hurt with me, I still loved you. I still love you despite everything. 

This last time, I wanted to stop talking to you because you declined Ari’s request to walk her down the aisle. I was mad about this. You made a mistake, Your daughter asked for this, which is a gift to you and a blessing, and you turned it down. That’s shameful. Everyone knew it, the entire family knew it. You should have done that for your daughter. I was very disappointed in your decision. 

Ari married in September of 2019, and I went to Costa Rica in February 2020… then Ari told me about the amputation. So I knew I had to reach out again. Then when I got home, the pandemic started. And your surgery was in April. This was a very dark moment for me. I had alot of regrets-- felt like I should have tried harder to “save you.” 

Lets back up. I visited you in the hospital after the first sarcoma, or the 2nd. I offered you soe green powder that I liked alot and I was using in my juice… I wanted you to have a nutrition boost. I brought it for you cause I cared and loved you. You were sitting on the hospital bed, and said “I dont drink green things.” Which is just silly, frankly. With cancer you need to take special care about your diet. You could have just tried it to see what you think. Maybe you would have liked it. But you didnt accept it. 

I tried to give you my cbd-thc tablets which are very effective. You never took them… Kathy didnt let you, apparently, since she was in total control of your care. Once again, I’m rejected because Kathy is in charge. I believe those tablets would have helped with pain, anxiety, and stress relief. 

I sent you my book Confessions of a Kamikaze Cowboy because I wanted to open up conversation about nutrition. Kathy sent it back with Ari when she was there. You didnt try to read it. Felt like you didnt want to connect with me. I was trying, and rejected again. 

I sent info about the Block Center, which is a treatment center for integrative oncology. You ignored it. 

I told you I wanted you to stop drinking alcohol or cut down, You didnt listen. You kept drinking. I wish you could have stopped. I think the alcohol did it to you. Thats my belief. 

My last visit with Casey, I suppose I still believed that you might make some decisions on your own. I gave you the pills without Kathy knowing. You didnt try them. You said youd have to ask your doctor, but you didnt. And then you said Kathy was opposed to it. 

You let her control your entire life. Now youre dying. You didnt take your health into your own hands-- you let her make all the decisions. She is an alcoholic and didnt do what’s best for you. But you couldnt see it. And now you’re perishing. 

Maybe it wasnt the alcohol, who knows. Who really knows what causes cancer, it could be so many things, so many carcinogens out there. But your body needs to be strong to overcome the effects of cancer. I just dont think you did everything you could have. And that was your choice. 

I wasnt even given a chance to help… she controlled the whole thing, and thats what she wanted. You let her. You chose this. 

We lost time to be close. I could have insisted on more time, but why would I when I always felt sidelined. I gave my energy to other people and other directions in order to find fulfilment. 

We never had a true heart to heart. And you know what.. I am sorry. Maybe we would have? Or maybe we wouldnt have. This is odd… but maybe its better youre escaping your life trapped under her thumb. Maybe this is a blessing that me and Ari and Bo can let go of our pain and move forward. Maybe we werent going to, and would just harbor this pain… and now we can all let go. Things didnt turn out how we wanted… and thats life. But now, we can be free. 

A few more thoughts to get off my chest. 

You hurt mom. She never recovered fully. You should have shown her more respect. What were you so mad about-- because she got your money for child support? Thats what happens when you have 3 kids and leave. You have to pay to support them. Would you have rather been like Grandpa and disappeared? Sometimes I felt like that would have been better for me if you had. Because he struggling that I went through… I’m not sure it was worth it. But its hard to say if I would have struggled worse if you werent around at all. 

So why so much hatred towards mom? Why couldnt you ever learn to be civil and come to the door to pick us up? Dont you realize how damaging that is for children, knowing their parents hate each other? Did you ever care about this? Did you want to be a good parent, or just go through the motions of parenting so that you could feel better about yourself? Did you want us to have a good life, or did you just care about the optics of being a father cause it made you look good? 

Why couldnt you say hello to mom at Ari’s wedding and act like a fucking adult? Yes I was so mad about that. At your own daughters wedding you ignore her mother? Do you realize how fucked up this is? Youd didnt want to hurt Kathy’s feelings? How do you think that made Ari feel? Dont you give a fuck about your childten, for Gods sake? Or do you just care about your slutty disgusting wife? 

I hate her. She wanted to take you from us. She wanted you to herself. She was always bitter towards us. She just cared for us cause she knew she had to, but she didnt want to. She always said rude remarks or ignored us. And she decided our fate as children. You fucked up as a father. You failed us. 

I know how successful you are at your work, I get that. It is awesome that you accomplished that. You were good at your job. But when you defended rapists, I was angry. That was shameful. 

Anyways you put all your attention into your work… but hardly any into us. When you called you wanted to talk about yourself, or smalltalk. You didnt ask how my work is going. If you asked, you didnt listen or respond. We didnt have conversations. You phased me out. Eventually I learned not to express myself cause you dont listen anyways. Why expend the energy? Why even fight for it? Do you want it? Did you care? 

Yes I know you love me. But the way you showed love was limited. Its not enough for me to know you love me. I have to feel it. Thats how relationships work. You cant just say it and not show it. 

Sometimes I felt it fleetingly, But I didnt feel it actively. Yes I know it deep down, but you missed so many opportunities to show it. 

You never made me any woodwork. It was all for Kathy. 

I dont have any gifts from you. She was in charge of gifts. Occasionally she picked out something good. 

The best thing I got from Kathy was ice skating. She initiated that. I am grateful for it. Maybe I would have found it without her. I remember the way the ice smelled. She got me my first private lessons, i think. That was kind. 

After she sent the book back, I did tell her that hurt me. She said she loved me and would never intend to hurt me. I appreciated that and believed her. Was she telling the truth? 

I tried to be nice about this visit and then she said that heinous thing about how I love Tia more than Dad. I wanted to tell you but I didnt know how. She said that if I bring Tia, youd be heartbroken because I love my dog more than my dad. That is a sick thing to say. That is fucked up on so many levels. To even suggest that is deranged. It was disrespectful and I told her so. I stood up to her and showed her I have boundaries. For the first time ever. And far too late. It was frightening and took alot out of me. But I needed to have self respect and dignity. I dont want to be treated that way. 

Backtrack more. 

Ok I was going to write something but its escaping me… I’m tired. It’s 6am and I have work tomorrow… maybe I should sleep. I got alot off my chest. 

I remember. 

She told us we couldnt call dad when he was in the hospital. She said we couldnt get info from the doctors, only she could. And Ari and I called… and she told Ari that she could have killed dad because he took the call. This was infuriating!!! Ari had every right to call, and you were able to talk… if not, the doctors wouldnt have allowed it.. Kathy was trying to have control. 

She is negative. Morbid. Apparently one time she said “if your father dies, I’m screwed.” Fuck her. 

She pulled me aside one time and told me that youre not capable of managing your own finances, so she needs to do it… she was trash talking you to me. Shame on her. 

She is controlling. She is insecure. She is emotionally abusive. She belittles people. She controls everything. 

What is emotional abuse?

Controlling your partner’s time, space, money, thoughts, or choices such as what they wear

Monitoring where your partner goes or what they spend money on

Isolating your partner by not letting them see or talk to others

Making all of the decisions without your partner’s input or consideration of their needs

Etc. 

I feel bad that you got lost in this. I feel like you got stuck in a cult and she’s the leader. Your family says they dont know what happened to you. And they all cant stand her. No one understands why youre with her. You gave up your children for this… no one gets it. And no one told you either. But they told me and Ari and Bo, and they all talk to each other. Its no secret. 

I wish I could have saved you. But I couldnt have… I wish I could have… but I couldnt have… I was too weak and conditioned from childhood… I was low self esteem too… I wasnt strong enough. I wish I could have been stronger. I wish I could have saved you. I wish you could have been saved. 

How could that have been love? That’s not love. Disregarding someone’s children isnt love. Treating them with disdain isnt love. Controlling everything isnt love. It’s toxic. She is a toxic bitch. And I want nothing to do with her after youre gone. Nothing. I dont owe her shit. 

I expect youll leave everythign to her. Nothing for us. You said you want us to have your workshop, but she doesnt want us to. I suppose you have no spine… 

You were literally disarmed. 

And then she took even more control. Just how she wants it. 

When she came home, she needed to know why you moved the table, who called, why the lights are on, every detail… she is sick. 

When we were there, you were talking to us and kept calling for her. You hadnt seen us 3 since before the pandemic and all you wanted was for her to come. We needed time with you. It was too late. 

I was sitting next to you and you were upset because Kathy left. You were sad and said you simply left me, I was trying to find my words… youre helpless without her, you cant even have a conversation, you cant think for yourself anymore. I was sad because I wanted time with you. It was already too late. 

She said youre not getting rid of any of their books. She needs to keep everything. 

You told Ari she has to talk to Kathy about something she wants from your office. 

Dad, none of this is normal. Youve lost yourself. And maybe its better that youre free now. 

Kathy should be alone and rot to death. 

Mean words but she destroyed our relationship and destroyed you. Destroyed our family and you let it happen. 

But now its over. Its finally over, this terrible time is over. You will take your last breath. Ari and Bo and I will mourn your loss. And we will take deep breaths, and m

Kathy called

Youre gone

1:30am still fine

5:15 gone-- 

6:09 pronounced dead  

You’re at peace now, Dad. I do love you. Life is difficult and strange. Its also wonderful and joyous. 

I wish youd visit, but I want you to move to the next plane… be at peace, dont wait around here… 

Talked to Ari and Bo… 

Like Casey said, the permanence of it… 

This is a new chapter

Dad is free

And so are we 

She tried to hold him with an iron grip and he slipped away

She lost her fight

Justice

Lady Justice

Humanity… the passage of time… we learn slowly, dont we

It takes generations, many generations to learn 

We’re one drop in the bucket, only so much we can do

We are limited

Beings

Grandma 3:30am -  

 

July 10th

10:30pm

It’s been a couple days. 3 days actually. 

The first day I wrestled with my emotions

Yesterday I realized I should accept what comes up, and give my emotions a name. But I became very angry and negative, and destructive. 

Today I am better but still depressed mood. Starting to accept the way things were. Relinquishing the idea of forgiving. People deserve to be held accountable when theyve done something wrong. 

How can you forgive if there isnt even an apology? 

But I dont want to carry around anger. 

Dont want to wish harm onto them. 

Very tired now. 

I stare into the distance alot, processing and thinking

This is literally a transformation

My world is changing

My life is forever changed

Dad is dead

Even I, dealing in death for my work, have a difficult time with this

Of course its final

This is the way life goes

This is natural

He suffered so much

I believe because he didnt live right

Caused so much pain

And it came back to him

I tried, I did… 

My self esteem was shot

Its understandable why I didnt try harder

He made choices to sideline us

Could I have convinced him that he was wrong? 

Could I have saved us all? 

I didnt

And there are reasons

Like everyone, I too have my limitations

He was broken

You cant cut your childrens mother out

Left arm… feminine… 

The body remembers

The body tells the truth

I dont want to get cancer

Dad

I have always been so disappointed

I did have your love

But you stopped showing it to me

And that broke my heart

You broke my heart. 

Why did you reject us and choose heather? 

Just cause you wanted to please kathy… and we represented the enemy… another woman

Kathy was jealous because you had 3 kids with someone else 

I wish I could know the whole truth

I wish I could understand it all

Some things will always be mysterious

Just accept it

Can we find out in death? 

Does dad know now? 

My anger was justified

Kathy is abusive

You didnt listen to me

You rejected my feelings

And that caused my rage

If only you had listened to me

If only I had used nonviolent communication 

Would you have understood? 

Did I fail?

I wish I had done better

I want to live right

I want to do better

And I can now, if I want to

I dont have to carry this forever

I too am limited

I forgive myself

We all tried

Tired

Tomorrow I can write more

I can also clean my place and get everything in order for the week

I can self care

I am my parent now

My inner child

You are sweet

You deserve so much love

You deserve so much more than you received

You were wronged

You are worthy

Beautiful, special, talented, wise, amazing

Dont let anyone violate you

Protect yourself

People out there are nuts

You have to be strong

Have self worth

You deserve the world

Sweet girl 

Smile

Be free

I love you so much

Here for you now

Wish i could see myself as a child’

Wanna watch the videos

Will be weird to see dad

He was so damaged

Damage people inflict pain on others

Poor man

Poor poor man

Didnt turn out how you wanted

You wanted to retire in Argentina or somewhere

Wish you saw the truth of what real happiness is

What honor is

And integrity

Love you, my inner child, gnite

11th

still up! its midnight

texting with Ari

realized— 

Dad

you were wrong not to listen to me

children deserve to be listened to and empathized with 

you showed me that my feelings dont matter to you

and this had destructive consequences 

11th early afternoon

You told me that I should run for office. That’s one of the nicest things you said to me in recent years. That does speak volumes. It means you believed in me, even if you never spoke those words exactly. 

Another thing we have in common: we hold in pain. 

I had so much pain. My poor inner child had so much pain. So much you never knew. I tried to tell you and you dismissed me. I stopped trying and pretended. Cause I knew you needed me to stop, so I did…

I wish I had done better at expressing myself

i wish I had found a way

i didnt know a way