Posts

learning the hard way

-
 Up late thinking about stuff sometimes I feel bad for my thoughts, like I shouldnt be having them… like its wrong for me to criticize him like this but I have to accept how I feel and what my thoughts are that is how I can be true to myself I was taught to doubt myself perhaps that is a clue into the way he was treated by his parents and he didnt know any better was so steeped in it, he couldnt see any way out didnt even know he was stuck I saw so much about him literally since I was born I saw him an innocent childs perspective and children are so smart and perceptive  i saw him I loved him and I felt his love until he withdrew and thats what his dad did withdrew so he did it to me did he think about that? did he realize what he was doing? did he know he was repeating patterns?  did he want to be better? is that why they forced visitation? whats better— being abandoned by your father or having a father that splits your life in two?  he didnt care how it made me feel he just had to pr
Post a Comment
Read more

healing takes work

-
It takes being conscious  and not stuffing down feelings and emotions feeling emotions is hard but its better than the alternative, which is refusing to feel and that I cant do I want to be human I want to feel, and not suppress I think if I suppress, that could lead to disease I don't have to do what he did I don't have to go that route I can be more conscious and make choices and not just be led by impulse Today I learned about the 6 realms of Buddhism it sounds like he was in the animal realm, not really understanding that actions have consequences he was limited and I needed more I want to try to talk to him Dad,  I was so hurt I needed more I wish you could see that I wish you could recognize it I wish you could empathize with me and I wish you could apologize even if you didn't intentionally hurt me because that's not the point people usually don't hurt each other on purpose but it happens even if we don't mean it to and then we still have to apologize and
Post a Comment
Read more

Processing

-
 It's been two months since dad passed away. July 8th, 2021. 71 years old.  Grief is a very deep and intense process. I've been thinking to start this blog to have a place for my thoughts to go. And who knows, maybe it could help someone along the way.  Before dad died, I wrote about 16 typed pages expressing all the things I wished I could say to him, but never could. I want to copy that here.  The night he died, just before I received the call, I wrote about 14 pages... I was up all night just writing and getting it all out. I knew I needed to. Then she called around 6am to tell me, and I even documented that as she called. So I will copy-paste the whole thing below... I don't know who will read this, but I just feel like I want it out there.  Dear Dad,  I’d like to share some of my thoughts with you… First of all, I don’t like when doctors give timelines of how long people have to live… that’s just pretty depressing isn't it?  (I just remembered that movie “Joe Versu
Post a Comment
Read more